I'm Not Afraid To Go
by Dorthey Star
Summary: [complete] She told me once that she didn’t understand why people booed, cheered, or even came to watch these things. I guess she never expected to be close to anyone that was receiving the Kiss.
1. Part One

I'm Not Afraid To Go 

By Dorthey Star

I'm sorry that I hurt you  
It's something I must live with everyday  
And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away  
And be the one who catches all your tears  
That's why i need you to hear

The room was crowded. So crowded that I almost didn't see her there. I knew she would be there; she always was. I was glad she was there, although I wished it didn't come down to this, to her watching me in a crowded room.

To me receiving the Kiss.

She was sitting on the top row, next to a vivacious redhead that I immediately recognized as Ginny Weasley. Her right hand was clasped tightly in Ginny's left and they both looked pale and very shaken. I wished for the hundredth time that she didn't have to see me go through this, but deep down I was glad she came. She needed to hear what I had to say.

The guard shoved me into the chair in the middle of the room. There were boos coming from all sides of me, except from Ginny and her. She told me once that she didn't understand why people booed, cheered, or even came to watch these things.

I guess she never expected to be close to anyone that was receiving the Kiss.

My eyes locked with hers and I could almost feel her pain. My heart ached for her, not for myself. I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her that it would be all right, that I wasn't afraid to receive the Kiss.

Our stare broke as the guards slapped the metal cuffs over my arms and legs. _I guess they don't want me to make a last minute escape_, I thought bitterly. One of the guards reached over and knocked me on my head. There was a sickening thud as my head made contact with the stone chair. I could feel the blood trickling down my neck, but I didn't scream. I didn't beg. I didn't cry.

Loving Hermione Granger didn't make me less of a Malfoy.

I heard a muffled sob, and I looked in the direction of where she was sitting with Ginny. The redhead's arms were around the older girl as she cried into her shoulder. Ginny was another one of my exes. She had been the one that had introduced me to Hermione, the one that I eventually left for Hermione. She was not crying, but looked very shaken. I tore my gaze from them to see who else had shown up.

The entire Weasley clan was sitting in the front row, each of the sons wearing matching smirks. Weasley number six noticed me looking in his direction and mouthed two words to me that I had said many times in his direction.

Fuck you.

The last time I'd said those words they were not aimed at Weasley number six. They were not aimed at any Weasley. They were not aimed at Potter. They were aimed at Hermione, something I always regretted.

"Draco…is that the Dark Mark on your arm?" she asked accusingly, pointing at my left arm where I had pulled my sleeve down over. I glared at her.

_"It's not your place to tell me what to do and what not to do," I spat at her. She stiffened and frowned deeply. _

_"Fine. I'm leaving," she said, picking up her bag from the floor beside her chair. She swung it over her shoulder and marching out of the room._

_"Fuck you!" I yelled at her as she released her grip on the door and it swung shut._

It was the last time I spoke to her, a mere six months before my arrest.

Potter and Weasley number six were the Aurors in charge of my arrest. I suppose it was their crowning moment, the story they would tell their grandchildren. The night the arrested Deatheater Draco Malfoy. Whoop dee fucking do. By that time, I was ready to be caught. I was tired of constantly smelling death, of always feeling dirty and wrong and, most importantly, of feeling empty.

Hermione had been the only good thing in my life, the only constant. Once she was gone…I had nothing to live for, nothing good or right. After she left, I immersed myself in my Dark Arts studies, determined to forget her and to finish the path that my father had laid out for me.

It wasn't until his execution two days before my own arrest that I realized that my father, the man I had looked up to all my life and had strived to be like, might not always be right.

Dating Hermione had started out as just a simple fling that could possibly be a way to get to Potter. That's what I told father, anyway. My obsession with her started our sixth year. I wasn't looking forward to going back to school, what with Professor Umbridge, my favorite Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, gone. Things were only made worse when my father issued his ultimatum the day before I went back to Hogwarts: I was not to torment Potter. _Of course_, he had added with a smirk, _that doesn't include Weasley or Granger_. I had smirked back, being the dutiful Malfoy that I was.

Tormenting Potter was what I lived for; Weasley was just an added bonus. School was _not_something I was looking forward to.

I did not go looking for the Golden Trio on the train, as I was wont to do. Instead, I went obediently to the Prefect's compartment with Pansy. Hermione and Weasley were already there, him talking to a Hufflepuff and she talking to the Head Girl. Hermione turned around when we shut the door and frowned disapprovingly as we took our seats. It was then that I truly noticed her for the first time.

It would be cliché to say that I fell in love at the first sight of her, that I realized that my father was wrong, and that I wanted to marry her and that Muggles weren't the scum at the bottom of ponds.

No, I didn't fall in love with her. I was more…annoyed. I was annoyed that Pansy, the girl who I would surely marry, wasn't as pretty as this common Mudblood. I was annoyed that she stood there, proudly, in her uniform, looking prettier than anyone in the compartment, including Head Girl Cho Chang.

I was annoyed I'd never noticed it before.

I began watching her after that. I'd watch her at mealtimes, I'd watch her during class, and I'd watch her in the Library. Finally she got fed up with it and stormed over to my table in the Library.

"What, Malfoy. What do you want? Do I have something on my face? In my hair? On my skirt?" she asked, nearly shaking with rage. I smirked my Malfoy smirk at her.

"You know what I want, Granger," I said smoothly, my eyes scanning her body. Her eyes flashed with anger.

_"Then go to that pug, Parkinson," she snapped angrily, "because you won't get _anything _from me until Hell freezes over!" She turned sharply and left the library, leaving all her books at her table. Ginny, who had been sitting with her, dutifully collected her friend's books and started to leave the library. She stopped, however, and turned to face me. _

_"Leave her alone, will you? She's having a hard enough time as it is," she said before exiting the library, leaving me more confused than ever._

Later, when I started dating Ginny, I learned that Hermione's parents had died in a fire while she'd been staying with the Weasley's. My mind said, good another useless set of Muggles gone, but my heart felt for her. Her parents were probably twice the ones Father and Mother had been to me, but I would miss them if they were gone.

Another fist made contact with my face and my head once more slammed into the chair. My eyesight went blurry and I couldn't see for a moment. When I could see again, I saw the Weasley Twins whispering to one another, malicious grins on their faces. I tore my gaze from them and finished looking at the crowd. Snape, my Godfather, was sitting two rows down from Hermione and Ginny. His face was blank, as it always was, but I could tell from the way he was holding himself that he was disappointed in me. Guilt seared through me, and I turned to look in another direction.

I looked to the door through which they'd brought me. Two big, beefy guards, not unlike Crabbe and Goyle, were standing on either side of it. Two guards were standing on either side of me, and one was standing in front of me. He was the one who had been doing the hitting.

"Draco Malfoy," he spoke, drawing out the words, "you are being charged with being a Deatheater and committing many heinous crimes including, but not limited to, Muggle torture and murder. Do you accept that these charges are justified?" I sat up straighter and looked in Hermione's direction. She was longer weeping into Ginny's shoulder, but was looking directly at me. I looked her in the eye and chose my words carefully.

"Yes. All charges brought before me are justified," I said calmly. There was a hiss running through the room. Apparently they had not thought I would confess. My father's voice came echoing through my mind. _Malfoys do the unexpected, but only if it does not tarnish the Malfoy name._I almost rolled my eyes. Father was always speaking of keeping the Malfoy name clean. _You tarnished it, Father, _I thought to myself bitterly, _when you took up with that half man half monster. I only followed your lead._

"I see," the guard spoke, excitement nearly running off of him in rivers. I keep my gaze trained on Hermione. She had gone even whiter, if that was possible. Ginny was murmuring things into her ear and hugging her. I wished I could be up there, comforting her, telling her things would be all right in time. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the guard turn to the guards by the door. "Bring in the Dementor," he said.

Hermione covered her mouth with one hand and crumpled against Ginny. I wanted to say something, anything, but my mind wouldn't form the words. My time for speaking would come soon. They wouldn't give me any time alone with her. No, I was too good of a kill for that. They would simply ask if I had any last words. That would be my time to speak.

Sure enough, the guard came back into the room and whispered something in the head guard's ear. Both were grinning nastily.

"Before we bring in the Dementor and you receive the Kiss, are there any last words you'd like?" the first guard asked, sounding impatient and eager to get on with the ceremony. I turned from Hermione to the guard.

"Yes, I do have some last words," I said, glad to be able to stall his pleasure, but even more glad to finally be able to get my point across to Hermione. Of course, I had a back up plan set in motion, but I hoped this would go across well.

"Get on with it then," the guard growled when I paused. I looked back to Hermione. She was sitting up straight, looking at me, eager to hear what I had to say, as if she knew it would be to her.

"I've made _a lot_of bad choices in my life," I said, and paused slightly as there were a lot of loud murmurings of agreement. "My worst choice was that night in the library. Maybe if I hadn't made that choice, said those things, then things would have turned out differently and I wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be here." I was no longer speaking to the crowd. I wasn't even aware they were there. It was all about making her understand. She had to.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you; it's something that I have to live with everyday. I wish I could take away all the pain that I put you through. I'm not perfect; I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. The worse thing was hurting you. I'm so sorry, but I'm not afraid to go." My throat closed up, choked with tears that I would not shed. I was finished; that was all I had to say.

Hermione was clutching Ginny's hand tightly; I could see that from where I was sitting. Tears were falling down her cheeks. She mouthed three words at me.

I love you.

I smiled in spite of myself. No, I was not afraid to die. Even as the scaley face of the Dementor came closer and closer, even as its scaley hands wrapped themselves around my neck, I was not afraid to die. My only regret as the Dementor's mouth closed in on mine was that I caused her to scream that terrible scream, like her heart was being ripped from her body and being torn into a million pieces in front of my eyes.

Maybe it was. But I wasn't afraid to die.  

**Disclaimer:**All characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The lyrics are from the song "The Reason" by Hoobastank.

**Author's Note:**Nice and depressing, eh? **THIS IS NOT A ONE SHOT; THERE WILL BE ONE MORE PART.**Please review.


	2. Part Two

**Part Two**

He looked horrible. The guard had hit him twice and the back of his chair was covered in blood. His lip was bleeding and he had a black eye. This wasn't how I wanted to remember him. The guard asked him if he had any last words. He said he did. Somehow I knew they were meant for me. I sat up straighter and caught his gaze. 

"I've made _a lot _of bad choices in my life," he said, and paused slightly. A lot of people murmured in agreement. "My worst choice was that night in the library. Maybe if I hadn't made that choice, said those things, then things would have turned out differently and I wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be here. I'm sorry that I hurt you; it's something that I have to live with everyday. I wish I could take away all the pain that I put you through. I'm not perfect; I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. The worse thing was hurting you. I'm so sorry, but I'm not afraid to go." He stopped and was finished speaking. I squeezed Ginny's hand and kept my gaze trained on him.

_I love you,_ I mouthed at him. I was relieved to see him smile. _That_ was how I wanted to remember him. The Dementor's mouth closed over his and I screamed, unable to contain myself. I couldn't believe that I was sitting there, watching it happen. I couldn't believe that Draco was going to be no more, that he apologized too late, that I could have stopped all of this from happening. I dropped Ginny's hand and ran from the room. 

"Hermione!" she called and followed after me. There was a cheering as the Dementor finished his job and Draco sat, still and soulless. I stopped at the doorway and looked back. The entire Weasley family, minus Ginny, was giving the Dementor a standing ovation. _Is this what its come to?_ I asked myself, appalled at my second family's reaction, _cheering one of the foulest creatures on earth just after it took the soul of a man?_ Ginny caught up to me and turned to look at her family. Her features were softened when she looked back. 

"You've got to understand, Hermione. The Malfoys have always been our biggest enemies. They never quite forgave him for hurting either of us. No matter how much we told them we were okay, I would pass by their doors late at night and hear them talking about killing him. They wouldn't, of course, but they still liked to plan," she said, laying a hand on my arm. Tears ran down my cheeks. 

"But to _cheer_ them. Do they realize they were cheering _Dementors_? The same foul creatures that guarded the prison when your dad was there? The same things that tried to kill Harry, Sirius, and me in my third year? _The same creatures that have been in league with Voldemort in the past_?" I asked, my confusion and sorrow turning into anger. 

"Hermione…" Ginny starting in what should have been a soothing voice, but I cut her off. 

"THEY ARE CHEERING BECAUSE THE ONLY MAN I HAVE EVER LOVED HAD HIS SOUL SUCKED OUT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs and ran down the corridor and out of the building. I vaguely heard Ginny calling after me, but I ignored her. 

It was pouring rain when I got outside. I didn't mind; I always loved rain. I stood outside the door and let the rain soak me. The door opened behind me and I was engulfed in a hug. 

"Look, Hermione, I know that this is really hard for you, but he was really foul, you know?" Harry said with his usual tact. I pulled away from him and glared at him. 

"Can we not talk about it?" I snapped irritably. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I was just trying to help," he said. My tears started again as he unconsciously echoed something Draco had said to me before we started dating. I had been sitting in the library, struggling on a particularly nasty essay for Snape, when he sauntered in and sat at my table. 

_"What do you want, Malfoy?" I asked, warily. He had broken up with Ginny the day before, and I didn't know why he was still hanging around. He just flashed me a grin, which made me even more suspicious, and sat down next to me. _

_"What are you working on?" he asked, pulling my essay away from me. "Ah, Snape's essay. Quite easy, really." He slid it back to me. I glared at him. _

_"What do you want?" I asked again, more icily this time. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. His nice silky hair, mussing it up and making him look more human._

_"Look, I was just trying to help, but apparently you don't want it, so I'm just wasting my time," he said, irritated. He left the library before I could say anything._

After a few of those occurrences, I stopped scaring him away and began to enjoy his company. Before I knew it we were dating, and I loved him. Then the incident in the Library occurred, and I fell into a slight depression. I spent all of my time studying, pulling away from all my friends. Ginny finally helped me get through it all. 

"Hermione, I need to ask you something," Ginny said, barging into my room without knocking. I was too tired to glare so I just looked up at her and raised an eyebrow. 

_"Who broke your heart, Malfoy or your friends?" she asked, sitting down on the bed that was across from the desk I was sitting at. My jaw dropped slightly and stayed there for a moment before I could answer her. _

_"Malfoy. You know that," I said icily, glaring at her. I didn't like to be reminded of him. She ignored my glare and got off the bed to walk closer to me. _

_"Then start acting like it was him and not us. Stop ignoring us and being rude," she said and left before I could say anything._

I spun away from Harry and walked down the street, my pace hurried and my eyes stinging with tears. 

"Hermione!" he called after me. I gave him the finger and stepped into the nearest shop to use the Floo to go back to my apartment. 

The first thing I noticed when I got to my apartment was a crazed owl that was trying to get the window to open on its own. I opened the window and the owl flew haphazardly into the room and crazed into the table. 

"Oh, you poor dear!" I whispered softly. I took the soggy letter from its beak and carried it over to the owl perch that I kept for Hedwig to stay when she was delivering a letter to me. I picked up the envelope. The front held no address, just _Hermione, _written in a flowing script that I recognized at once. It was Draco's. I sat down at the table and opened the envelope. A letter, which had obviously been spelled to stay dry, fell out. I picked it up and read. 

_Hermione,_

_I'm gone by now. I hope you came to the ceremony; there was so much I needed to say, needed you to hear me say. I did take precautions in case you didn't go, or in case you didn't understand. That's why you're receiving this letter, even if you've just come back from the ceremony. _

_I'm sorry you had to see it. I'm sure the guards treated me like __shite__. They do on a daily basis, and they won't miss an opportunity to abuse a Malfoy in public. In spite of war, of death, and of Voldemort, a name still means so much. It's funny, isn't it, that something as unimportant-seeming as a name can mean so much. I wish it didn't, and then maybe we wouldn't have gotten into all this mess._

_When I was younger, my father would drill it into my head what it meant to be a Malfoy. I used to search the libraries at the Manor to find _The Official Guide to Being a Malfoy_. I suppose I wanted to memorize the book and impress my father by not needing any more lectures. I never asked him about the book, though. If there was one thing Lucius Malfoy hated, it was questions. I learned that at a very young age. _

_When I went to Hogwarts, it had been drilled in my mind that I was superior to _everyone_ there, even, and especially, Dumbledore. It wasn't until I started dating Ginny, and then you, that I realized how wrong father was. But that didn't stop me from following in his footsteps, did it? _

_I suppose you're wondering why I did it, got the Mark, that is. I was weak. I loved you- I still do- but that couldn't stop me from joining. I still feared my father back then, and if he wanted it, I would do it. It wasn't until after I had gotten the Mark that I saw how my father feared Voldemort. My father, the very one that taught me to fear _no one_, except for himself, was scared of this pathetic half man- half monster. My father lost all my fear, but I couldn't back out._

_Once we had that fight in the library, I just _knew_ it was all over. I didn't care what I did any more; I didn't care what people thought of me. I had hurt the one person I cared about, and I wasn't going to have a second chance. I didn't even try to redeem myself, did I? Perhaps I should have; then I wouldn't have such a guilty conscience. But there's no use for "what if's" and all that nonsense._

_I'm not afraid to go. Instead, I'm rather glad I am. I'm glad I'm receiving the Kiss instead of a lifetime in Azkaban. If they truly wanted me to suffer, they would have chosen that. I'm guilty of every charge laid against me, and probably more. I did what Voldemort asked without any questions. I even reveled in it sometimes, I'm sorry to say. I would take out my anger about you, me, and the situation on the poor innocents. I never killed children or a woman that was with child. Any time I would turn my wand to one, I would think, _that could be your child _or _that could be Hermione carrying your child._ I couldn't ever bring myself to kill them._

_A lifetime in Azkaban would be hell. The Dementors around would make me relive my all-time lows, something I've been doing for the past month. They've given me a bit of sanity, allowing me to write my final good-bye in a room devoid of the presence of a Dementor. There's just a guard standing by the doorway. I suppose they'll read it before they send it, but I rather hope they don't. I might have loved, and still love, you, but I don't want to be seen as weak. _

_Time's running out. Cliché as it might be, I wish time could stop and it could just be us. But it hasn't stopped for the greatest lovers before us, and so it won't stop for us. __C'est la vive__. The guard is telling me I only have a moment. There's only a moment before they prepare me for the Kiss, only a moment of sanity, of life, left. And I can't spend it with you.  
  
Please, remember the good times, but never forget the bad ones. It's time. I'll be waiting for you._

_Draco_

I read it through three times before I could set it down. There was a knock on my door. I put the letter down on the table and opened the door while wiping my eyes. Harry was standing in the doorway looking very repentant. 

"I'm sorry," he mumbled and hugged me. I hugged him back, resting my cheek on his shoulder. We stood for a while before I pulled away from him. 

"I'm going to change into dry clothes. Go ahead and make yourself at home," I said and headed for my bedroom. 

"What are you talking about? This _is_ home…home away from home, of course, but still home," he called after me. I smiled slightly and the bedroom door behind me. I opened my wardrobe and chose a thick burgundy sweater and jeans. I pulled my wet hair into a bun and washed my face. When I went back into the room, Harry was sitting at the table, reading my letter. I snatched it out of his hands. 

"Is there no privacy?" I snapped at him.

"I'm sorry. It was sitting on the table, and I was getting bored, so I looked to see whom it was from…and my curiosity got the best of me," he said, not looking ashamed at being caught. I glared at him. 

"Curiosity killed the cat," I said icily. He gave me a strange look. I sighed. "What is it _now_?"

"You sound like him. He would have said that exact thing, in that exact tone. I think he rubbed off on you a little too much, Hermione," he said, still wearing that strange look. I continued to glare at him but didn't speak. Instead, I entered the kitchen and started to make tea for the two of us. 

"Look, Hermione, I hate him. I always have, I always will, but I am sorry you're feeling badly about all of this," he said, coming up behind me and resting a comforting hand on my shoulder. I sniffled. Tears threatened to fall, but I wouldn't let them.

"I know, but no one seems to just let me be sad, not even Ginny. I just want to miss him properly like I would anyone else without people saying how glad he or she is that he's gone and stuff. It's just not right," I whispered, pouring tea into the two cups. He hugged briefly, and then opened his mouth to speak. I put my finger to his lips and said "Shhh. don't, please?" He closed his mouth and nodded, hugging me again. I smiled slightly and leaned into the hug. It was going to take a lot to get over Draco, but this was a good start, a very good start indeed. 

**Disclaimer:** nothing belongs to me; it all belongs to the wonderful J.K. Rowling. 

**Author's Note:** And so the story ends. I didn't mean to make it seem like Harry was hitting on Hermione or anything, but it kinda seemed that way to me. *Shrugs* the story writes itself; the author is merely there to put the words onto paper. Or computer, in my case. Thanks so much to the two reviewers I had. It really meant a lot to me. To my first reviewer, I know that the Kiss only sucks the soul…I mean to mention in my author's note of the first chapter that he was saying die because to him, it was dying. I suppose. Oh, who knows how my madness works. I sure don't. Anyway, this is going un beta'ed, so ignore all mistakes.   


End file.
